Slim People in Progress

Healthy Dating Tips: Sex

As I described in Healthy Dating Tips: Good Timing, a mindset that helps a woman eat wisely can also help her date wisely. She figures out her goals, she gathers good information, and then she smartly decides when to be cautious, and when to take risks.

What better time to know when to be cautious, and when to take risks, than when a single woman is making sexual decisions? 

After coming out of an unhappy long-term relationship, Darlene decided to lose some weight and the not-so-great boyfriend. After joining a weight loss program, she got back into the dating game. When things started getting more serious with one man, Eddy, she wondered:

“Do I feel comfortable enough with this man -- and my body -- to have sex?”

Ultimately, she did get into a sexual relationship with Eddy, but only after they went through some rough spots together! That’s because Darlene wasn’t only starting a new relationship with Eddy; she was starting a new relationship with herself and her own body.

So, it took Darlene a while to figure out what she wanted and needed in order to feel that sex wasn’t such a risky proposition. And what she figured out the hard way is good information for other women:

Don’t have sex with him unless you can talk about sex with him.

At the bare minimum, this means being able to have a practical discussion about birth control, safe sex, STD history, and monogamy, if that’s what you’re wanting. Later in a relationship, hopefully it also means being able to talk openly and respectfully to each other about what feels good sexually -- and sometimes, what doesn’t.

Don’t have sex with him if he puts more pressure on you to lose weight than you already put on yourself.

When you start dating a man, there are many ways he can put that pressure on you. He might give you few or no compliments about how you look. He might keep reminding you of his attraction to very thin women. He might even make negative comments about the food you’re eating. If so, run -- don’t walk -- in the opposite direction!

At the same time, if you’re in the middle of a weight loss program, it’s important to remember that a man who’s genuinely attracted to you can find himself walking a fine line. That is, he wants to be supportive of your healthy eating habits, but he doesn’t want you to mistakenly think he’s pushing you to lose weight. So, you’ll need to notice and trust when he clearly communicates his desire for you.

And last, but not least…

Don’t have sex with him if you plan on hiding.

Sex should be a place where you feel safe, desirable, and free to enjoy yourself. That’s what Darlene discovered. But first, she and Eddy needed to have the “practical discussion” about birth control and safe sex. He also needed to let her know, in no uncertain terms, how attracted he was to her, and she needed to notice and trust that.

Then it was up to Darlene to accept where she was in her weight loss goals so that she could enjoy her body during sex, and give Eddy the distinct pleasure of enjoying it, too!

Darlene was nervous about "revealing" herself at first, but once she had taken the risk, it was one of the best decisions she ever made.

Annie Dennison, Smart at Love

Healthy Dating Tips: Good Timing

If a woman’s trying to make healthy choices in both dieting and dating, it can be challenging at times. But there’s good news. A mindset that helps her eat wisely can also help her date wisely. This is especially true if she figures out what she wants to accomplish, equips herself with good information, and then decides when to be cautious -- and when to take risks.

Darlene has been working on her healthy mindset since last year, when her doctor told her she needed to lose weight, and her girlfriends insisted that she lose her long-term, not-so-great boyfriend. She decided that her doctor and her girlfriends were giving her good advice.

So, Darlene immediately faced her first timing dilemma:

“Do I wait until I’ve reached a certain weight loss goal to meet new men, or do I place the online personal now and get the ball rolling?”

In the end, Darlene decided to enroll in a weight loss program first and reach half of her weight loss goal before putting herself back into the dating game. That way, she believed she would have time to establish some healthy eating habits and feel more self-confident about her appearance.  

Fortunately, Darlene didn’t allow the numbers on her bathroom scale to keep her out of the dating game indefinitely. That’s why she had an open mind when she started meeting some interesting men through friends before she reached that halfway weight loss goal.

That’s when Darlene faced her next timing decision:

“When/if do I tell a man I’m on a diet and losing weight?”

Some women choose to be upfront with men about their dieting and weight loss goals; other women don’t. Your body and your eating habits are your personal business, especially when you’re just getting to know a man. In other words, you don’t owe him an explanation.

But if you’re the kind of person who prefers to find out sooner, rather than later, how a man will respond to goals in this area of your life, then go ahead and talk to him about it.

Darlene, who was getting seriously re-acquainted with her own good instincts about when to be cautious, and when to take risks, chose to play it on a date-by-date basis. If she felt comfortable with a man, she’d find a way to bring up the subject of dieting briefly, usually with some humor, and then move on to other subjects.

Men with whom she felt comfortable tended to give her direct compliments on her appearance, and sometimes even talked about their own weight. Men with whom she felt uncomfortable found various subtle and not-so-subtle ways to let her know that they placed a premium on women being thin. She didn’t waste much time with the men in the latter category!

And when dating got more serious with one man in particular, Darlene faced one of the most important timing decisions of all:

“Do I feel comfortable enough with this man -- and with my body -- to have sex?”

Tomorrow, in the last of my guest author postings this week, I’ll tell you what Darlene decided to do, and why.

Annie Dennison, Smart at Love

Healthy Dating Tips: Honest Appraisal

When it comes to choosing men and food, we are creatures of habit. And, because habits feel familiar and comfortable, sometimes it’s hard to change them –- even when it’s in our best interest to do so.

That’s why a solid plan for exchanging unhealthy habits for healthy habits begins with the honest appraisal I mentioned in The Dating and Weighting Game. Whether you’re determining the portions and types of food that will help you lose weight, or you’re trying to figure out a plan for avoiding another Mr. Wrong, it starts with you being honest with you.

In fact, be brutally honest, and be sure to write it all down!

A common mistake women make is talking themselves into settling for less than what they want in love and sex. That’s why the biggest truth you need to start with is what kind of dating situation or relationship will bring out the best in you and make you the happiest. Describe that in one paragraph.

Next, make a list of the top ten qualities a potential Mr. Right must have. The list can include some physical qualities, but should focus mainly on qualities related to a man’s character, personality, interests, values, and energy level. Then make a list of the five deal breaker qualities a potential Mr. Right couldn’t possibly have.

• Promise yourself that you won’t spend more than a couple of dates with a man who doesn’t have at least half of your top ten qualities.

• Promise yourself that you will walk in the opposite direction the minute you discover that a man has any of your five deal breaker qualities. 

Thinking you might be tempted to break these promises? That’s why it’s important to enlist a healthy dating buddy who knows what’s in your honest appraisal, and will help you stick to it!

My next healthy dating tips will help you time your major dating decisions more wisely. Check back this week!

Annie Dennison, Smart at Love

The Dating and Weighting Game

Miranda is an attractive, 39-year-old divorcee whose top two New Year’s resolutions for 2006 are the following:

1. Lose 25 pounds without completely giving up chocolate
2. Start dating again without being paralyzed by fear

It’s hard to predict which of her resolutions might be more challenging. In food and in love, Miranda is a woman who definitely wants to have her chocolate--and eat it, too!

Fortunately for all women who love chocolate (isn’t that 99.9% of us?), we can have what we love, in moderation, and lose weight at the same time. It takes commitment to a solid, realistic eating plan, helped along by people in our lives who support that plan.

But…how to re-enter the dating game and not be paralyzed by fear?

Even single women who are “seasoned veterans” in the dating game still have their paralyzing moments. In large part that’s because a single woman’s dating experiences can have a powerful impact on her self-esteem. The same thing happens with weight loss.

Not so coincidentally, there’s some overlap between basic strategies for healthy eating and basic strategies for healthy dating. It all starts with a plan.

For healthy eating, that means determining the portions and types of food that are best for you to eat, and using that information to work towards realistic weight loss goals. For healthy dating, that means doing an honest appraisal of your relationship must-haves and deal breakers, and using that information to work towards realistic love life goals.

Next time, I'll be writing about doing that honest appraisal.

And, whether you’re committed to healthy eating and/or healthy dating, you’ll be more successful--and feel better about what you’re doing--if you keep in mind what comedienne Jackie Guerra wrote in her memoir, How I’ve Gained and Lost Millions of Dollars and Hundreds of Pounds:

“Life is a work in progress, and we’re all under construction.”

Annie Dennison, Smart at Love

Annie Dennison: Guest Author This Week

This week I'm very happy to announce that we have a guest author on the Slim-People blog, a client I coached through a blog makeover.

Annie Dennison, Ph.D., is a writer and dating adviser who believes that every woman should be able to have her chocolate and eat it, too--in the kitchen, on a date, and in the bedroom! As guest columnist this week, she’ll be sharing some of her healthiest dating tips.

Annie writes a popular and excellent blog called Smart at Love - For the smart woman who wonders, "If I'm so smart...how can I be so dumb about love?"

Annie's articles will begin on Monday, January 16.  In the meantime, you can check out one her latest posts on Healthy Dating.